Another while, another long pause between posts. I still seem to return to this whenever something begins to go “bad” or feel off. I’ve been having some increase in anxiousness, the familiar jolts of electricity though my heart. I’ve become more jumpy and hypervigilant again.
In the past when faced with these feelings of anxiety I would sit down and run through a list of things I was thinking of recently until I received those pangs of adrenaline, that skipped heart beat. Then I’d say right, that’s the cause. Lets avoid it. A later strategy would be, instead of avoiding them, confront them and try to solve whatever was causing me anxiety. It was better than avoidance, but what happens when the issue can’t be solved? It would grow and become worse and worse. I found some solace and peace in the stoic view on control. If you have no control over something, there is really no reason to worry about it. You can kick and scream and fight, but in the end only you will be tired and sore. What you have control over (apart from in some neurophychiatric states) is your perception and reaction to an event.
This has greatly helped when confronting my anxieties. When it’s there, causing my heart to jump, I can let it be. I can solve it. I can avoid it. The thing that gives me true relief is not what I do with it, it’s the knowledge that in my current state of being, I get to choose what I do with anxiety. I’m not rid of anxiety, it comes in waves. Much less often than before however. Now, I try to use it as a tool, let it point me towards things I’ve been neglecting. But anxiety is a part of me, it’s a part of every person. It’s the same as your limbs and skin and hair, to a degree you have control over it. Writing about it helps. But again this is a bit unstructured and rambling. Falling on this crutch of a diary to vent some things. It’s nice to have the ability to do so, but I want to try to be more consistent in the future.